Good Morning..........even better, Happy Friday!
I had a moment yesterday evening where my junkie thinking popped into my head. My daughters were gone to a family dinner, and my husband was pulling out of the driveway to go fishing. The thought popped into my head, "grab a cigarette." Of course I didn't and the thought was quickly dismissed. All it was, was a memory of smoking. I used to wait until those moments came. When I would be home alone, because as a closet smoker, that's when I could do my best smoking. Chain smoke if I wanted and not have to worry about getting caught by anyone. It was an adrenaline rush. So, seeing him pull out, that thought popped into my head. Then I quickly remembered, "You don't smoke anymore, dummy, haha." That was a good feeling. So, I proceeded to put my workout clothes on and almost kill myself doing my Inferno workout. Much better than trying to kill myself with cigarettes...:) Way better feeling afterwards!
Having that junkie thought yesterday got me thinking about all the addict things that I have done in my life as a a smoker. You know those low points we have all had just to get our fix.
Smoking butts, hiding behind stores and peeking around the corner every other drag, (LOOKED LIKE A STREET JUNKIE), trying to dry out wet smokes, fixing broken cigarettes, giving birth to my daughters and walking down to the bottom floor of the hospital to smoke, smoking while preggo (HORRIBLE), hiding packs EVERYWHERE!, making excuses and lieing to get away to smoke, trying to get the smell off before going to doctor appts because of course I lied and wrote nonsmoker on everything, stole a pack of cigarettes from a store at like age 12, smoked in my hospital room in the shower so the steam would hide the smoke,,,,lol, DUMB!, stealing cigarettes from my mom, smoking while having the flu (I was so tough)..lol, smoking in the cold and rain, hiding cigarettes in the bar bathroom so my husband wouldnt see me smoking, buying SEVERAL packs after my first relapse and smoking one or two and throwing the rest in the fire only to buy another pack the next day, holding it til I was about to pee on myself just to smoke first on breaks, spending countless hours preaching to my daughters friends about how bad smoking is for you then sneaking out to the front porch to get my fix (hypocrit), and I'm sure a million other low blows, OH THE LIFE OF AN ADDICT!!!! Sure don't miss it!!
WE DON"T WANT ONE, WE WANT THEM ALL!!!!!!!!!!!
Leisha your story could so be mine. Did you ever tape them back together again too, or hold them right at the area where they tore so you could get a better drag? I too was a closet smoker (however, my huband and sons knew). I smoked outside only - of course I said I never smoked in the car but when I quit smoking, I could not believe how bad the car smelled like cigarette smoke.
I understand that close smoker attitude. Even though it has been 6 months for me I still have those moments where that addict creeps in and says, just one - no one will - you can shower and brush your teeth, kind of like where I am with food now, if no one sees me then it doesn't count.
Hang in there - each and every time you defeat those thoughts you will feel better and better. When I quit a became a Bath and Body Works addict too. I loved knowing that I didn't smoke, and the fragrances were not hiding anything, they were comforting (if that makes sense).
So proud of you!! Stick to it - sounds like you have a good grasp on this, and recognize the triggers. Keep looking at your two beautiful daughters and think of being able to chase and play with your grandbabies some day. That has been such a motivator for me, too - having seen my dad not even be able to walk up a hill to see Crater Lake or go down to the beach to explore tide pools on the Pacific Coast with my sons (we live on the east coast now). Keep up the good work - sorry for the long story - I guess I just should have said - KEEP UP YOUR GREAT ATTITUDE, and take it one day at a time. I know it's been rough for you - congratulations on every second, minute and day that you say N.O.P.E.
Joan_01-02-2015 1222 days ago
Good examples of that addict brain. These days my addict brain is obsessive and I talk myself out of a relapse at least once daily. But you just reminded me that I spent more obsessive hours being an addict than I ever will breaking this addiction.
Jules 1222 days ago
I can so relate because I did every one of those things!!! I remember chainsmoking on the way to the hospital when I was in labor!! That's a junkie!!! I couldn't wait for everyone to leave so I could smoke in the hospital bathroom!! Thinking perfume could cover it up as I had the vent on and blew the smoke up!! I always felt extra happy when I had a whole carton and knew I could smoke as much as I wanted, just sit and smoke smoke smoke. Waking up smoking butts and coughing and shaking, I don't miss it!!! But the junkie in me is there and I have had the thoughts:)
nikki 1222 days ago
i used to hide mouthwash in my glove compartment and then wash my hands with it after sneaking one..and spray myself down with room freshner..lol probably toxic...
newlife 1222 days ago
Newlife, I have SOOOOOOOOOOO sprayed myself down with Glade Air freshner..hahahhaha....forgot about that! I can't tell you how much toothepaste I have eaten eaither. I used to just pop a wad in my mouth, swish it around and SWALLOW it....gross!!!!!!!!
Leisha_Sept_17_2013 1222 days ago
Great blog Leisha! I did all of those things too! It amazes me that I thought I was fooling anyone -- as soon as my sense of smell returned, and I could smell a smoker 2 aisles away in the grocery store, I realized I hadn't fooled ANYONE.
I had mints and lotion in my car all the time. I'd chain smoke while driving, and then pull over a block from my destination and chew a bunch of mints and put lotion all over my lips and hands, thinking I was eliminating the evidence. NOT!
Have a great smoke-free day!
SarahP 1222 days ago
Yea, I thought I had everyone fooled too. I used so much hand sanitizer, lotion, gum, toothepaste, and anything else that I thought would kill the cigarette smell. What's crazy is that If I were to relapse and start back smoking WHICH AINT GONNA HAPPEN, just speaking hypothetically, in a couple of weeks, I would be right back to thinking I was actually fooling someone, that I was covering up the stench....even though I know better!!! It's almost as if the nicotine knocks the common sense out of us!!
Leisha_Sept_17_2013 1222 days ago
Great blog, Leisha. I can't wait to start this school year without worrying about running into parents, and having to stand close to talk, when I come back from my lunch. I obsessed about it...and of course it didn't matter. Unless THEY were a smoker...cause then they probably couldn't smell me! lol xo Kristin
motherlovebone 1222 days ago
I remember in the old days when you could smoke anywhere. The first thing you would think about when you walk into any room was OK where are the ashtrays??
Michwoman 1222 days ago
You knocked it out of the park with this blog, Leisha ,covering all of the bases... Home Run it is♥
LindaN_7-14-10 1222 days ago
WOW Leisha...i am speechless at the power of this blog ang YOU...so proud and honored to be walking the freedom road with you...xo
joyeuxencore_11-5-12 1221 days ago
Great blog Liesha! I learned in a previous break from smoking how ridiculous it was to believe I could hide the funky smell! When I took up smoking again, the addiction made me irrational but not stupid! I just had to go to greater lengths to hide it! I was teaching some yoga classes at the 'Y' and actually asked them to schedule an hour break in between so I could smoke for a half hour, take a shower and change clothes! Everyone thought it was so I could run home and feed the dogs!?! I'm sure there were more than a few times that my colleagues wondered if I was obsessed with cleanliness since no one else was taking showers in between classes! Jeez!
Nyima_1.6.13 1221 days ago
No matter what i did (perfume, binaca, gum, mints etc) never fooled the doctors. They always made comments about it. I am sure my family knew but didn't say anything. Who are we really to fool? Our thinking then. Now i can smell it a mile away ;) I am sure glad i don't stink anymore!
ShawnP 1221 days ago
Super blog. OMG I am LOL about remembering taping a cig together a time or two that had broken cuz it was like that second to last one in the pack, or like Joan said, holding the broken bits together and puffing. ARGH. SIGH.
Good for you for talking yourself down right off.
Not dwellin' is the key! Minute the thought hits - PUNT IT!
Congratulations and way to go. You are doing this. Keep goin'.
Stac 1221 days ago
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