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Help...Scared.

August 1, 2013 Comments (24)

View Brenda M's Blog

I LOVE the Daily Pledge. It was a great help to me when I first quit. And it is still helping me today, by serving as a gauge.

What?

I caught myself today, when Sheryl posted the Daily Pledge link. Everytime they post that link, I usually go pledge for a day. I should do more, but I don't always, especially since I generally feel very secure in my quit.

Today, though, I didn't want to pledge, and it's because I realized that I was thinking, you know, what if, later, I felt like smoking? The idea scared me and intrigued me, which scared me again. I guess the fear part and the actual WORK involved in schlepping to a store and actually saying the words, and pulling out money, and paying (none of which I can actually imagine) should be enough to ward off any danger, but...I dunno. I'm feeling weaker than I have in a long time, mentally, physically, and quittally. And I'm just so sad, and I hurt so much. I don't want to hurt any more. I don't know what you can do. I don't know what anyone can do. I don't think there's anything to be done, really. And I hate it.

I reached out privately to a friend (a lifeline!), and she said (much more nicely, of course), "Duh. Suck it up and go blog." So here I am, blogging for help. Please?

I'm editing, because I thought I'd mentioned that I did go make my pledge, after I reached out to my lifeline, but I guess I hadn't. I pledged, so I'm good for the next day or so. But I'm still scared.

Comments (24)

Brenda..... remember what smoking does for you???? NOTHING!!!!!  I see people who have way more time in then me giving up and I say STOP!!!!!!!!!!!  YOU are worth so much more then a cigarette... joy said that to me when I first got here and it stuck in my head..... YOU ARE WORTH IT!  Smoking gives you nothing and takes EVERYTHING.....  so go... NOW and make your pledge.... This is your LIFE we are talking about..... 

NOW!

Tigerladie freedom date 6-4-13 455 days ago

You've got a hole in your heart and you are searching for something to fill it. I do know that feeling. Nothing can fill the void left by losing your precious Sammy. These feelings are natural and time WILL heal the wounds. Be kind to yourself - let yourself know that it's OK to feel these feelings - it means you have a wonderful heart and that Sammy had a love-filled life!

Time - just be patient with yourself and time will do its thing!

Love you Brenda!

Michwoman 455 days ago

Make that pledge right now and then, do something nice for you, Brenda! One little thing that's healthy! Walk around the block, take a bubble bath, hang out with a friend, whatever being nice to you means!
Remember, these feelings are natural but temporary!

Thomas(3-20-2010) 455 days ago

I did it in January...... in 'that' moment.  At least you are thinking this through, Sweetie.

I am STILL trying to live it down.  IF... I hadn't have done that... I would have 432 days under my belt.  Instead..... 208.

STAY STRONG.  GO WALK.  IN FACT...... RUN!!!   BREATHE.  LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND TELL YOURSELF YOU ARE PROUD OF YOU.

You are LOVED.  ♥

Kris 455 days ago

Brenda - Oh Brenda! I wish we could somehow lift the pain in your heart - but no one and  no THING can do that. It is like a bad ride that you have to just stay on - hang on - and it will eventually get better. I promise! I swear, having lost two of the best pets in the world over the last 18 months, there will come a time when the thought of your dear Sammy will bring a smile to your face and not a tear! Really! It will take a while, but it will happen. A memory will come to you and you will smile...a sad smile at first.....but, they will get brighterI know you do such a tremendous job with the "stickering" - have you ever done any scrap booking? That's one thing I did that helped me - I made a scrapbook of my memories of both Scooter and Mandy. Anyway... Just a thought. 

You have down the right thing by coming and blogging! Do it every hour if you want to - we are here! 

Here is a poem I saved.....(not sure if I shared with you before...)

 

And if I go, 
while you're still here... 
Know that I live on, 
vibrating to a different measure 
--behind a thin veil you cannot see through. 
You will not see me, 
so you must have faith. 
I wait for the time when we can soar together again, 
--both aware of each other. 
Until then, live your life to its fullest. 
And when you need me, 
Just whisper my name in your heart, 
...I will be there.

Strudel (Quit 6-12-10) 455 days ago

i know this may sound crazy..............you go and get a puppy........you are a lover of animals...........you go and pick out a little thing............bring him or her home and cuddle ...let them play and then let them sleep........you watch them........you feel the energy of the little one........it will make you feel better...................you are a animal lover....their is no sense in waiting to get the next bundle of joy......do it today...........your whole outlook will change................i am shure of that..................the animals of the world need good homes..................your home is a palace to them.................when you bring the new bundle of joy home................that special animal will have hit the lottery of life...............do not think about it.....................get excited and go do it...............you will go from sad to happy..............real fast......jim.....................a new bundle of joy in your house is better than filling the void with cigs............please.......i know this will help.............just do it     now........

Jim (ohio) 455 days ago

Oh...dear Brenda.  I KNOW you will get through this rough spot to the other side.  I'm glad you made the pledge today.  Please continue to do so daily while you are feeling this way!  I'll write you some more thoughts in a letter today.  I hope you can smile at the memory of Sammy soon.  xoxo  Kristin

motherlovebone 455 days ago

Brenda, I know your heart is breaking, but smoking will not heal a broken heart! , But dear Brenda time will help. You have to  fight for your quit, because your life is worth it. stay close to us, your EX family, because you are loved and we are here for you. 

Wendy

12/31/12

nanawendy 12-31-12 455 days ago

Brenda, go make the pledge, that is what helped me so much when i first quit, for the first two years any way. It some how hwlps so much to know that you are helping some one and they are depending on you for help in a chain of help, I so hate you are having a hard time, go pledge, it will help !

 

barbara 455 days ago

Dear Brenda, I cannot imagine the pain of the loss of a beloved dog. I am so sorry. Should you find that you think you actually want a cigarette, remember the piece from Whyquit that Nancy used to post. Sure, maybe you do want a cigarette but certainly you do not want all the cigarettes and the whole mess that is practicing a nicotine addiction. I do not know why, but that piece has been my lifeline through thick and thin and makes it easier to laugh at myself and the notion of actually smoking. Stick with us and know that your heart will heal. 

lisa11209 455 days ago

Brenda, I so feel your pain. I agree with steel ( jim ). My husband Ed took me for a drive a couple of days after I lost Cooper. Little did I know that he was taking me back to the animal shelter to rescue another fur-baby in need of a loving home. I have never regretted that move. You are a loving woman and there is someone out there waiting for you to shower them with your love. I have you in my prayers, you will get through this. I send you love♥

Linda N♥7-14-10♥ 455 days ago

I'm praying for you, keep blogging your feelings. Love u

nikki 455 days ago

I'm sorry, Brenda. I dread the day when my babies leave us. They are ten and thirteen, so it could happen anytime. They are family. I share in your pain and pray you won't smoke over it. 

jensteff 455 days ago

any way Brenda, i understand there is no smoking at the rainbow bridge, so stay clear of tobacco, get you a new fur baby and know that one day you and your beloved pet will meet at rainbow bridge !

 

barbara 455 days ago

Brenda-----you say there is nothing we can do and I guess that is true EXCEPT hold out our hands and support you through this sad time.....look at all of the hands above!

You are not going to smoke and I know this----I have faith in you!

I think that steelhead's suggestion is the best. As I have told you---I have lost many loyal pets and getting another really does help. Not only that, Sammy had a great life and he would want you to give a great life to another dog. In th span of our human  lives, we can shellter many dogs in our loving homes. 

I am thinking of you---don't be sad too long.

 

Sootie quit November 15, 2009 455 days ago

Shoot my dear friend...I KNOW the kind of pain you are in...I was still smoking when I lost Tiki but I was in SO much pain I hardly smoked at all...NOTHING helps...It is normal to hearken back to knee jerk addict behavior but I was smoking and didn't smoke because it hurt too much...Tiki hated that I would leave her and smoke so I felt it was a dis-service to her memory....Because Lisa mentioned this (by the way remember she just lost her dad and did not smoke) I will post it and read it myself for continued strength:

The Smoker's Vow



 


To be said just before taking your first puff after

having quit for any appreciable period of time


With this puff I enslave myself

to a lifetime of addiction.

While I can't promise to always love you,

I do promise to obey every craving and

support my addiction to you

no matter how expensive you become.

I will let no husband or wife,

no family member or friend,

no doctor or any other health professional,

no employer or government policy,

no burns or no stench,

no cough or raspy voice,

no cancer or emphysema,

no heart attack or stroke,

no threat of loss of life or limbs,

come between us.

I will smoke you forever

from this day forth,

for better or worse,

whether richer or poorer,

in sickness and in health,

till death do us part!

"You may now light the cigarette."



"I now pronounce you a full-fledged smoker."

LOVE YOU BRENDA!!!!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

joyeuxencore 11♥5♥12 455 days ago

When my husband and I lost our first dog after 12 wonderful years, I thought I would never be able to love another pet! I swore I didn't want another one but moped around the house for at least a month..whenever my husband would suggest going to look at Humane Society, I'd burst into tears! He finally convinced me to look at some puppies on line and three days later, he came home with! I couldn't help but fall in love! It improved my spirits and got me walking again! Start thinking about it, Sammy would want you to be happy with a furry friend by your side!

Nyima 1.6.13 455 days ago

Oh yea, and puppies just naturally hate smoke! XOXO

Nyima 1.6.13 455 days ago

Brenda my heart goes out to you. We both just lost a pet and their is an emptyness inside us right now.  But I won't allow my sadness to ruin this quit.  Please take my word for it ...I have already did the relapse thing and I did not like it...   Because we both know that smoking does not fix anything. Only time can heal. I will be praying for you.

Renee 11 days

Wishingstar (Renee) 455 days ago

Please come make they daily pledge! It is the first thing I do everyday and would be very happy to extend my hand to you as you take the pledge. 

There's nothing better you can do to honor dear Sammy than maintain your quit. Blog hugs to you!

Kathy Ryz (Quit date 7-1-13) 455 days ago

Stop it.  Smoking is not an option.  Why are you even thinking about it?  Stop it.  You're gonna hurt for a while.  Smoking won't make you stop hurting.  Smoking won't bring Sammy back.  You can't cuddle a cigarette.  You've learned better.  Smoking is not a comfort, it's a killer.  Think.  Use your brain, not your heart in this matter.  Snap out of it.

Giulia 454 days ago

It's a new day Brenda.  Hopefully some of the dark mood has passed.  Come back and pledge again today, and keep blogging.  The only way out is through.  I'm pretty certain you don't want to remain a smoker, so stick with your quit, stick with us.  There is NOTHING positive a cigarette can do for you.

Sheryl -- Quit 11-11-2008 454 days ago

Brenda, I am SO sad to hear of your loss.  I am so sorry I am finding out just now.  I totally echo Steelhead and Nyima.  A new life is always a tiny bit of a help.  It is not a replacement, as of course that is impossible.  But Sammy would want his mom and dad who cared for him and loved him so deeply to be happy.  And he is in that Rainbow Bridge where he is now healthy and happy and waiting for you and his dad to come someday to be with him again.  So another pup awaits a home where it can also have love and care.  Know you need time to heal, but think on that.  I lost my beloved Casey a few years ago.  After a few days, I started looking at homeless shelters.  I knew that she knew that she was my best friend.  But I knew she would want me to be happy, the way she made me.  And I knew that God was now taking care of her.

Now, onto the temptations.  Brenda, NOPE.  You know doggone well as all of us that smoking solves not one thing and will only make you feel FAR worse.  Nicodemon is preying on you because he is pissed off that he has died/is dying a slow death. He wants to grab back up to you in desparation. Do not listen. This is the time when you must literally tell him to shut up, then do not dwell on the thoughts. If you dwell, that's when you get into trouble. If you swat him away and say "leave me alone. I don't do that anymore. No thank you." Then, move your thoughts elsewhere immediately, you will really benefit. It is when we dwell that we spiral down. And I have several blogs on this cuz the times I have had the hardest time were times when I let the thoughts in and then dwelled. No dwellin'!

You have been vigilant enough to get this far, so you have enough strength in you to get through today too.  And you know all to well what to do and you did it!!  You reached out for help on here! GOOD JOB!

Think of how bad you would have felt looking in the mirror on Aug 3 if you had smoked on Aug 2. Now, look in the mirror TODAY and see how proud you are that you endured a day of that devil in your head.

And then, look at your countup clock days.

Now, give yourself a huge pat on the back, stand tall. You are an EX smoker.

PS -

Honestly, I still think doing the readings over is never a bad thing either. Reinforcement is retrain for the brain.

Prayers coming your way.  You are strong.  And you have come too far.  Sammy wants a healthy mom and dad and nicodemon is a liar.

There is not one good reason to smoke.  Not ever.

Love and BIG OLE HUG TO YOU,

Stac

 

Stac 453 days ago

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