I really like what Jim Gaffigan (the comedian)has to say about his choice not to drink and people's response to telling them. They always seem shocked and sort of pittying like there's something seriously wrong with him. I have to admit, I have had the same reaction. I really really enjoy drinking and lately I have been coming to the hard realization that my relationship with alcohol is unhealthy.
My relationship with alcohol didn't officially begin until I was about 17. Back then, it was all about getting as much alcohol in me as I could as quickly as I could which would end predictably with me on the bathroom floor hanging my head over the toilet. Now, that's what I call a good time! From then on, my night wasn't truly complete until I had bowed before the goddess and then off to pass out in my bed, or someone else's, whichever was most convenient. Incredibly, that cycle continued for the next several years until I got married and my habits were reigned in considerably. They probably wouldn't have been, had I not become pregnant so quickly. Ah, here it was, my reason to slow down and become responsible.
Since becoming a mother, I have gone through cycles of near complete abstinence and out of control benders yet only one thing remains consistent... with the occasional exception, I drink to get drunk. I space it out over a longer period of time now, I'm not a silly teenager. I know how to sip a drink, but still, I don't stop until I am wasted. I have convinced myself that I am in control with a few occasions of having only a couple drinks, but those few shows of moderation are just that, shows. If you look at what qualifies as an alcoholic, you wouldn't think I fit the bill. It doesn't interfere with my daily life and responsibilities, I have never lost a relationship or a job over my drinking, but let's look at what I have done. I have driven while blackout drunk, I have flown off the handle and cussed out a stranger while blackout drunk, I have had many conversations and done things I didn't remember the next day while drunk. I am really fortunate that I haven't harmed myself or someone else by now. None of these things occurred very often and so I was able to convince myself that it was an isolated incident and let myself off the hook. "Well, I learned my lesson. I will never do that again." I would say and then it happened again. "I wonder why I got so angry at that man, I'm usually a happy drunk." I said. The fact that I was describing myself as any sort of drunk should have clued me in, but it took several more months of stumbly blurry nights.
Once I decided that I had a problem, there was another problem... I don't want to go to AA. I don't believe in God. To me, he is an imaginary friend that has a very destructive power over entire populations of people. He is the impetus of war, torture, hatred and cruelty. I want nothing to do with that "higher power". I want to power my own recovery. I knew there must be an alternative so I did an internet search today and found an online forum for secular recovery. I just sent a request for membership and what I hope is that this group is as warm, encouraging and inviting as this community has been for me.
Cheers!
