It's Friday which is generally my favorite day of the week. The end of the work week is close and I'm looking forward to a weekend filled with fun and friends. So what's with this depression? I feel like I'm going through the stages of grief - like the smoking me has died - and I'm having a hard time dealing with it.
Denial was week one - thinking that this wouldn't be a difficult transition since I had done my research, have attempted to quit before and knew about most of my weak points.
Anger was week one and two. I'm thankful I recognized the anger I was experiencing was due to my brain crying out for a chemical it was ready to process that I was no longer providing. If I hadn't taken a step back from that anger a lot of relationships would have been damaged. I'm sure my friends and family would have forgiven me since they all know I've quit smoking but I would have felt like a jerk anyway.
Barganing was week two and the beginning of week three. I thought that I could hang out with friends who smoke, and somehow ended up directly in their exhaled smoke. I told myself that it was ok because I wasn't smoking, just near other smokers. I noticed that my cravings were increasing and figured I was just making things harder on myself so I stopped hanging out with my friends while they were smoking.
Depression is now. My brain has switched tactics from anger to depression in an attempt to get me to give it the chemicals it needs to fill all those nicotine receptors I asked it to create while I was smoking. Logically, I know everything is great and I'm giving myself the most wonderful present ever by not smoking. I have plans with my friends this weekend and have told everyone that I won't be joining in on the smoke breaks and they're all really supportive. It's still hard, however, to hear the things my brain is coming up with to try to weaken my resolve and get the chemicals it craves. I can't blame it. Systems that it created to deal with my smoking are dying off, which must feel like some kind of attack on it's survival. But the thoughts I'm thinking - of being worthless, like I'm failing at life, working a stupid job, not being a good friend, being too self-centered - are wearing me out. I know I can get through this and it is part of the ride of quitting smoking.
The silver lining in all this, if my theory is correct, is that Acceptance is right around the corner.
