Today is the start of day 32, didn't have a bad day either, but just realized that yesterday was the 3 year anniversary of losing my father...he was a very heavy smoker and although it was a heart attack that killed him, it was also going back to smoking after a 6 month stay in the hospital, an induced coma due to pneumonia, then rehab in a nursing home(they evicted him, insurance stopped paying), and then the 4 months he was back at his home in which he could start smoking again without worries of who was going to stop him. He lived a distance from me and due to my employment in the Army, I could not monitor him as easily as I could when I had the hospital and nursing home to help me. When he left the nursing home, he weighed only 120 Ibs compared to his normal 180. He looked terrible and nearly died while in the coma. He had a tracheotomy since he could not breath on his own and his liver and kidneys shut down. To add insult to injury, stomach tube for feeding, catheter for his urine and another for his bowls. He did not look like the strong man I knew with all these tubes hanging out of him and on dialysis to keep his kidneys functioning. Additionally, due to the coma taking blood supply from his extremities, he also developed a clot in his leg as well as his leg being locked so that he had no range of motion. Once he got to the nursing home, he then got food poisened and nearly died again. Also. his pancreas failed and forever more became a diabetic. Finally when he was evicted from the nursing home, his bank account was cleaned out due to medical bills, my husband and I had to buy the bare essentials for him to live. In my mind, this took a strong, robust man, down to bottom barrel, as if he were an infant. He was increasingly difficult to contend with as well. His personality changed and he became very demanding and mean. In the end, just 4 short months later, he died at friends house while staying there for the weekend, these people were also cleaning out his small, meager SS check for themselves, and he died in their basement bedroom. He was found by the sappers hours after he died. They stated that they had heard him coughing and no one went down to check on him. Basically, he died alone without any help to get him to a hospital.
A bit of history...this man did not raise me, I was legally adopted by my step-father (wonderful man) when I was 7. My father had been an alcoholic in his younger years. I found him later on and the only reason I allowed him in my life was that I had his only grandchildren. He lost the ability to raise and know his own children, and I thought by letting him in, he would at least get to know his grandchildren. Those years (11) were the fondest memories that I've held on to. He loved his grandchildren deeply. It is such a shame that alcohol and then nicotine stole EVERYTHING from this one time STRONG man. He also stole from us, too. We do not have the ability to enjoy his visits because he can no longer visit. His grandchildren lost their grandfather who they loved deeply, too. My husband lost who he considered his best friend, they fished, golfed, and loved beautiful muscle cars from the 60s. My father died at 65 1/2 years old, he would have been 69 this July. Plenty of life left in him to enjoy life and do the things he wanted to do. When someone dies from smoking, everyone loses. We still get bills at our house and have to provide documentation that he died. His bills amounted to $500,000. I can't imagen if he had had a wife who would have been left destitute by his decision to continue to smoke even after all he endured and all he lost to the point of death. Now, we are the ones who are left to pick up the pieces, emotionally. I found that years later, when I allowed him in my life, he was not the man he was when I was a little girl, he was wonderful, loving and caring. The worst of it was the "Friends" who were stealing form him, poisned him in his weak state against my husband, and our children, stating that we were trying to get everything he had from him. He actually was dependent on us financially, and to meet his daily needs with medical, and his emotional needs knowing we were there with him through it all. So...I never got to say goodbye and the three words that everyone needs to know " We Love You". What a shame in how he left such a beatuful world and all the gifts we are given in life.
You would have thought that I would have quit 3 years ago after all this. I had to come to my senses. too. I finally realized that I could end up just like him by placing smoking before the ones I love the most. And after I die, I may leave them with all the financial burdens and the emotional emptiness, just like he left us. I still love him, but I cannot call him on the phone to tell him I love him, I cannot prepare the extra plate at the table when he would visit, or for the holidays where he knew he had good food and a TV full of sports to watch with his best friend. We also do not get to see the joy on his face when he would have been able to see his only grandchildren grow into adulthood and see the sports they play, how well they do in school...etc.
I don't refer to myself as in no mans land, I wake up each day thankful that my decisions effect everyone around me and I owe it to them to be there for them for many years to come. I do have triggers, they are a passing moment. I also found the positive triggers to counter the negative nicotine ones. It is to simply get up away from my desk, take a walk, think about why today is wonderful and atleast I have one more day to give and hopefully many more years to enjoy what I have while I have it. I also will not leave them disappointed due to choices. It is not easy all the time, I find that it is simply a choice and in a weak moment, the right choice must be made to pull me through until I no longer have to think about it. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, pick myself up and do something positive makes a world of difference.
Beth
