100+ days up in smoke. I went to see a family in mourning yesterday. It's been a revolving door there. Their neighbors bringing food every night, the place is a general mess. I went to get things into some sort of order. Her 2 kids are in HS. I became agitated with another visitor, someone i don't even know, and i went out to the porch to check out the garden. There was a pack on the table. I considered it even though they were menthol. I sat. I played with the pack. I replayed the scene inside. I lit up. I smoked and considered what i was doing, and i finished it. I thought of all i have learned here, thought of calling my quit buddies, thought of my kids, where i was sitting and why, back to school and all there is to do, how six months ago i got winded just carrying a laundry basket up stairs. I have over 100 days quit....done. Yesterday i was just plain sad, broken-hearted. By last night i was smoking, depressed, self-loathing. Quick to make a bad thing worse, i bought a pack on the way home. $10.25. Been up since 5AM today. The first one this morning made me dizzy, but i continued to smoked it. I hid from my son while he had his breakfast. I think he knew. What was Dale's challlenge, 130 or 140 days? Either way, almost doesn't count. I recently blogged that i quit so i can keep up with my family on our trip. That was true. But that was just the motivator. I smoked for over 40 years and there is no doubt it has affected my health. Stupid. I cannot continue to do this. I am completely disgusted. Tomorrow i reset my clock.
