Hard to believe it has been three weeks!. I definitely feel like things are getting somewhat easier. I really want to feel more joy about having stopped this horrible addiction to cigarettes however there are still times when I find myself pining for one.
I read and re-read Allen Carrs book just so I can drill it into my head that enjoyment of smoking is just an illusion and a lie- the only thing we really get pleasure from is relieving the withdrawl- that comes as a feeling of relief. My smoking seemed to be like a sick kind of reward system all day long- if I worked for awhile- I got a reward- a cigarette- that is what it felt like ( I realize it is really a physical punishment) however that is how i rewarded myself all day long.
Now I really have to replace my reward system and it is not always easy. One thing -to think I need rewards all day long is pretty childish. I think addiction is riddled with childish demands and behavior- that is why addiction is so difficult to overcome- feeding my childish selfish demands- that at least how i see it.
Also the so called "crutch"- I play music and entertain for a living- I used to have to smoke to give me what I thought was courage/confidence- this is one of the biggest lies and self defeating acts of all for me. Most people think as an entertainer I am just naturally comfortable in front of people- not so with me and this is not uncommon among entertainers. Stopping smoking seemed like a loss of a necessary "prop"- it feels like I still need work in this area to grow in recovery from my addiction to nicotine- I welcome any suggestions from anyone else that shares this challenge in any way or maybe someone that has some longer term adstinence and can shed some light.
Thanks
