I posted a blog yesterday afternoon titled "Day 1 (Hell Week)". I had planned to continue to not smoke, indefinitely. I felt proud of myself for moving through stresses and triggers throughout the day. However, when I got off work around eight, after working a double shift. I was feeling overwhelmingly bored. What else is there to do? I haven't recieved my textbooks yet. I was too antsy to read one of the few dozen books that I have yet to read. I love to read by the way. I called my friend to see if we could hang out. Knowing that I wouldn't smoke if I was around a nonsmoker, who by the way is always a positive influence, I wanted to just be around someone to keep my mind off smoking. He was busy and was stressed out with his own circumstances. To quote him, "I want to be around positive people." Now, my best friend is someone who is always doing whats best not only for him, but for those around him. Even if it doesn't make sense at the time. So I completely understood where he was coming from. But implying that I couldn't be a positive force when I was trying to do something positive with myself kind of hit home. The little voice in my mind said, "Just go home and smoke a cigarette so you won't be feeling so unappreciated, even if you feel that way toward yourself." I caved and immediately when I got home, I skipped over the meal that was made for dinner and went out onto the back porch to smoke a cigarette.
I've come to realize that my house is a very strong trigger for me. It is an especially strong trigger for me if I have nothing productive to do. As I took a couple of hits, the sudden regret hit me. How could I have been so weak? Then I thought of the post I had written earlier. I felt stupid for jumping the gun. I even, quite foolheartedly, thought that I would go without smoking today, which I haven't, and post a blog titled, "Day 2." I would not only be lying to myself, but fellow people who are struggling with their own addiction. Where would that put me on my own latter? I'm still at the first rung with one foot on it and one foot at the ground. I only feel as if I looked toward the top of the latter yesterday, having not even begun to climb it. Today, I'm simply staring at the ground.
