I did really well today, my first day as a nonsmoker.
In the evening, my fiance and I had an argument.
It started when he came to my office at school; we were going to attend an evening lecture together. Today is both of our first day quit. So we kissed each other and he asked me if I had had any indiscretions. I proudly answered that I hadn't - I fought very hard to not smoke today, to imagine myself as a nonsmoker and to start healing. He told me he smoked half a cigarette. I was really disappointed.
Last night we made a very big deal about quitting. Took photos of us throwing the smokes away, putting on the patch, the whole bit. And today, our very first day, he caves?
So it was already a little tense. I didn't bite his head off or anything but he could tell in my eyes that I was unhappy. We left to walk to the lecture, not really talking. I got us seats right near the front. The featured speaker was a very prominent woman and all my colleagues were sitting near us.
I asked him if his cell phone was off and he said it was. I asked him if he could double check - I just got in this program, and I didn't want any important people shooting me angry looks if my SO's cell phone rang.
He told me he keeps it on silent all day. I asked him how he would ever get a call from me in the case of an emergency? He replied that it's on vibrate. Vibrate is not silent. A vibrating phone is every bit as rude and distracting as a ringing one. I asked him to please turn the phone off or to put it on silent. He said I was treating him like a child.
He started swearing at me (quietly, there were people around), telling me that it was fine not to worry, my precious lecture wouldn't be disturbed by his cell phone. He told me he was a "big boy" and an "adult."
He told me I was "being crazy."
I told him that I thought he should leave. He ignored me, so I told him again that he ought to go.
So he did.
All I could think about when I got out of there was finding a cigarette. I wanted to go to the store and buy some. I looked around but there was no one smoking (thank goodness). I went home and looked in all the drawers to see if somehow I had overlooked an "emergency" cigarette anywhere.
I hadn't. (thank goodness again).
I started telling myself that I can't put my problem out in an ashtray. In fact, that would make it worse. I put on a new patch and logged on to the net.
The urge has passed. He is not here - he went to his friends' house. Things have been very tense and rough between us lately (doesn't really have anything to do with quitting). If we weren't doing this together and if I was single, I am pretty sure I would still be smoking. It hurt when he told me so nonchalantly that he smoked today. WTF? Isn't the reason you do something together is to be strong for yourself and the other person?
Anyway, this is way long so thanks to anyone who read it. I am not slipping up. I am going to stay on track. Cigarettes don't do one good thing for you. Nothing.
