So it seems I'm doing it... I am proud of myself and I'm so sure I'm going to make it this time, I've even told my parents and posted on Facebook that I quit. The last two days I've been taking more pride in my appearance, even wearing a little bit of makeup. I somehow value myself more than I did when I was smoking--there were so many times I'd be sitting outside smoking a butt, and thinking about things I'd like to do, and then somehow talk myself out of them as though I wasn't worthy of real, visible self improvement--or fun or pleasure--because I was a smoker, and it just didn't make sense to improve myself when I was killing myself a little bit more every hour. Those feelings are starting to move on and I'm taking little bitty steps towards who I want to be, as always change is scary but the longer I don't smoke, the more confident I become.
Of course I still have cravings, having smoked for around 12 years I expect to have them for a good long time. Like this morning I was doing some chores, changed the kitty litter, vacuumed, changed the bed sheets etc and when I was done I was all sweaty. My habit before had been to go out and have a smoke and cool off when I finished cleaning and I REALLY wanted to today, I had this feeling of "I don't smoke anymore, how am I going to reward myself?" Well, I tried to think logically, since I was sweating I went and drank a big glass of cold water, and then hopped in the shower. By the time I got out I was barely thinking about smoking.
The other little issue I've been having is that sometimes I feel like a robot. Just going through the motions not feeling anything. I'm not sure, because I've also struggled with some psychiatric disorders for a long time, if it's normal to not feel anything and zone out when doing tedious tasks, or if I'm masking or repressing something. Well, I figure it will sort itself out eventually, and I look at it this way--at least when I'm zoned out I'm not craving! LOL.
I've got some good plans lined up for the weekend and beyond, and am really happy to be moving forward like this. thanks to everybody for all your great support 🙂
Oh also, to the people that posted on my page, I promise I'm not ignoring you, just still figuring out how everything works here. I appreciate the comments 🙂
