Well, I reached day 3. I was told that it would be good for me to journal, so I thought I would give this a try. I had a pretty bad craving today - Steve just wouldn't help me today - just kept asking stupid question after stupid question. And the phone just kept ringing and ringing. I felt like I couldn't catch my breath. I wanted to be home on my couch in my sunroom having a cig. I just wanted to escape and I haven't figured out how to do that yet without a smoke. I mean, what do you do? I just can't do the "Breathe in good air....exhale bad air..." stuff.
There's so much involved in having a cigarrette. I mean, it started out, 15 years ago or so, as a way to get out of the hospital - I mean it began longer than that just doing it when I drank. Just did it non-thinking. And very occationally when I was stressed. But I really started smoking when I had to get out of the hospital when my sister was sick. It was the only way to leave her side. "I gotta go have a cig". So, for 2 weeks, every couple hours, I would go have a cigarrette or 2. It never occurred to me to just go STAND outside. LOL. And then I came back home and I kept smoking because it seemed the thing to do. Sister was in a coma. I felt I should "morn" her. So, I continued to smoke. And then it became "I'm an adult! I can smoke if I want to!" and then it was nice to socialize with the smokers during lunch - we always had the "in". I'd try to quit, fail - well, I've told I didn't "fail" - it has nothing to do with failure, it has to do with POWERLESSNESS. This whole process has been learning that I am powerless over cigarrettes. I am a recovering alcoholic and I know that I am powerless over alcohol, why can't I get it through my thick skull that I'm just as powerless over cigarrettes? I wouldn't dare even think I could take a sip of beer - why does it occur to me that I can take a puff of a cig?
