Today is Day 5.......Anxiety up the ying yang!!!! Nicodemon or Casper?????

[ali2]

  Today is day 5. I woke up by the sound of one of my cats screaming and body slamming my door from the outside of it. This puzzled me so much since when I went to bed my door was open and they were in there with me. Apparently when they decided to horseplay out of my room for a minute and my mother came home they got scared of the big bad monster coming in the door so they dove on top of the dining room table. Well, my mother THOUGHT she was doing me a favor by closing my door and locking them OUT!. NOOOOOOO, they were just in there so they took a massive fit real early today and woke me by taking turns head buttin my door and yelling at me. OH how pleasant to wake up to. ON that note......the day began much earlier today than planned. Day 5?

  WOW, I cannot believe I am on day 5! I have not had a day 5 in so long. I got on here first thing and started reading the blogs. I have to say I am a bit nervous seeing so many people relapse after having 30, 60, 70 days. Believe me,  I know about relapse but I need to now that this works and that I am on the right track here. Another thing that has been bugging me is the talk of the NICODEMON. I really could have sworn that when I was reading on why.quit.com that Joel's story explained there is no such thing as a Nicodemon and that.......that was a previous notion that was smashed. I also thought that some old timers told me the same thing. So I need for someone to please clarify this for me.......once and for all. YES, we have addict thinking but I do not think that smoking in and of itself is some monster out to get me. Would that be like Casper the ghost or the Big Bad Wolf!!!!!! BOO!

  Anyway, anxiety has me by the throat today. Last night I was struggling bad and I am so thankful for the few that were still online and not involved in all the drama yesterday. I was really getting lost and not sure how to connect with anyone. Lets hope for a much calmer day on here. I raise my water to that!!!! I had cut down my dosage on the patch yesterday and today in order to get ready for tomorrow. Tomorrow I am having the procedure done on my back. I need to be there at 820 AM. I have to fast and I cannot have a patch on me or any other kind of NRT's. I used them this time to just get over the hump I had not seem to be able to get over all this time. But since I cannot where one tomorrow before the procedure, I most likely will stop all together. Though I am not positive because I am not going to set myself up to fail either. The back procedure I am having done will be 4 shots into my Joint Facets. Normally I would not be so freaken terrified because I would smoke before and after. This time, it is just me. And me? ME is very nervous. They cannot knock me out because I need to let him know if he is causing MORE pain!! WHAT? MORE? I do not think I can handle more. I woke up in more. I have new pain in my SI joints due to the physical therapist that had been coming to my home from the VNA. I now KNOW I need to cancel them all together since it just has not been effective.

  So moving on with today......I know I need to stay in today. Today is my mothers birthday and WAS my original quit date. BUT instead I have 5 days now. I THINK my mother wants to go out to eat today and my stomach is VERY upset. I have some stomach issues as it is but the stopping smoking has caused some complications. I do not think I need to get graphic....you can guess I am sure. In addition to that tough, I have had this ulcer like feeling lately. I am not sure if it is because of all the years of smoking on an empty stomach while drinking coffee and diet Pepsi or if it is just due to something else. I do not see my DR until a week from this Thursday.  I will be amazed and thrilled when I have a week smoke free. But I am amazed now. I am not fighting this and just taking it as it comes. Being active on this site and helping others has saved my butt. Just greeting the new people has been a good thing for me. Having a sense of humor has also saved me.  When things have not worked before, a change has had to happen. Thank goodness for awareness.

  I read a blog last night that talked about the old timers who left due to frustration. I was here long before this site changed and knew all the people who were here before. A lot of those people are not here anymore. BUT a lot of them are still here giving the same message as before. I am sure it is frustrating for them when people do not hear the message or do not WANT to hear the message. IN addition though, I have met a lot of new people on the site now who are just as great. They may not have the same amount of time, but they DO have the message. The message is always the same. It is what we do with that message that matters. This is OUR quit. This is MY quit. So as an old timer told me.....if I choose to smoke it is not going to affect their daily life. That's the truth! I want the truth always so I know if I am staying on track. I do not want to go back now.  I have put my trust in you.

  I want to thank each and every one of you who has helped me to get to where I am...just for today. DAY 5!!!!! If you want to read what an old timer has to say who I truly believe has helped me get here......go read Peggy's page. She has so much knowledge and experience about smoking and quitting. This is a WE thing. I get something from each and every one of you. Some times I learn what NOT to do and that is ok too! I am just so grateful to be a part of this site to get the help I need and to give it when I can. Welcoming someone new can really go a long way in helping somehow reach out here.

  If you are new and this is your first time here, please let us know so we can welcome you! I will be the welcome wagon. LOL   It helps me to be able to help you too!

  Thank you for helping me and letting me share today. Anxiety is really high and just need to get thru today! Hour by hour, moment by moment......whatever it takes....

  Thanks my friends!

  Love,

  Ali